May 17, 2017

I had follow up blood work this morning. I went home again and my husband brought me to my appointment with a Bereavement Councillor at the Early Loss Clinic. It was an early morning for me. I don't like mornings. I knew today would be hard, but I didn't expect it to be THIS hard.

 

I cried the whole hour I was talking with Patti. First I had to tell her the story of my pregnancy and my miscarriage. The whole time I couldn't bring myself to say the word 'baby' while talking. She mentioned this to me right after I finished talking. I know it was a baby. It was my baby. It was not easy to admit to myself that I lost my baby.

Throughout the session she gave me a lot of information:

• Miscarriage is a real loss. Not only do you lose your pregnancy and baby, you also lose your hopes and dreams for the future.
• I am a mother even though my belly and arms are empty. 
• Holidays will be hard.
• Due date will be harder. It's something I am dreading.
• Feeling betrayed by your body is normal. My body isn't working the way I expected. Now I have to wait for my body to heal until we can try again. I am stuck in limbo. It's a confusing place to be.
• Grief bursts are uncontrollable. Allow yourself to experience them without judgement in a safe space.
• Drink lots of water!
• Get a lot of rest. Grieve throughout the day. If you bottle it all up during the day it will come out at night when you are trying to fall asleep when you're body/mind is in resting mode.
• Journalism (or in my case blogging) will help get thoughts out of your head.

At the end of our session she gave me a list of support groups in my area. She also mentioned they were having a Memorial Service on Sunday, May 28th. It's open to anyone who has experienced the loss of a baby or child. I wasn't ready to go to an event like this - maybe next year. Their theme this year was teddy bears. This explained the many teddy bears she had throughout her office. She let me choose one to take home with me if I wished. I thought one bear was the cutest, he spoke to me and he has a cute scarf. The bears are donated by other parents in memory of their lost child, and to help people like me who are just starting to grieve their lost child. The bear came with a card and a poem.

How very softly

You tiptoed into my world.

Almost silently;

Only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint

your footprints have left

on our hearts.

We offer you this teddy bear

from our hearts where our little

one lives forever.

In Memory Of

Hunter

Hunter. I really like the name. He's my cute cuddle buddy now. I have cuddled with him every night since I got him. I bring him with me to the computer too. He makes me feel not alone.