September 29, 2017

Quote by Power of Positivity

I came across a shared article on Facebook called "22 signs you're a highly sensitive person (and that's OK!)." I read it and everything just clicked and my life has made a lot more sense since then. I have always been a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and I just didn't know it. I always felt like something was wrong with me.

I feel every little thing very deeply. I cry when I'm frustrated or stressed out. I cry when I see a loved one crying. I cry when I stub my toe too hard. I cry when I broke a glass Starbucks cup of mine - even though I have 3 other ones that are exactly the same. I cry over anything when I feel any strong emotion. You can only imagine how many tears I have cried since I lost my baby.

This past week has been especially hard. I should be entering my last month of my pregnancy. It should have been my last week of work before I started my maternity leave. I should have had the whole month of October off work and waiting the arrival of our baby. I was looking forward to having time off work to be with my family.

I'm so angry that was all taken away from me. I haven't cried this frequently since May when the depth of my loss was still very new. It's been a long rough week of sleepless nights.

July 30, 2017

Today my support group was having a picnic in the park with a balloon release at the end. It was a gorgeous weather day. Sunny with a light breeze so it wasn't too hot out. It was amazing being outside. I played with my new friend's 2-year-old daughter - who is so adorable. We had some great conversations with yummy food and snacks.

Near the end of the event everyone was able to pick out their balloon(s). You could pick white, pink or blue. I chose a blue balloon as I know in my hear that my baby was a boy. It was sad to see how many balloons some family's had to hold. My friend had 2 - a white and a pink. So many lost babies and children. So much loss and a lifetime of heartbreak.

 Once it was time to release our balloons Lori-Ann made a speech.

With these balloons we remember

our infant loved ones who have died.
Death has forced us to let go

of the children we would hold.
As we let go of our balloons

we send forth a message to the community.
The message is:
Our babies were wanted, were real, are loved,

are grieved and remembered.
To one another the message is:
You are not alone.
With support we survive and we grow.
To our beloved children we have spoken of today
The message is:
We remember you, we miss you,

and most of all we love you.

Then the balloons were released. It took me a few seconds to let go of my blue balloon. I didn't want to let go. I cried... I had to let go of my balloon to join the other angel balloons in the sky.

It Matters

It's been 12 weeks since we were in that tiny room and told those three words no expecting parents want to hear: There's no heartbeat. I have never cried so many tears, and a part of me will be forever broken.

It's crazy how fast life moves on. I now understand why a miscarriage can be such an isolating and lonely experience. A lot of the support I had from family and friends who knew has dwindled away. There's no pause button on life. Life just carries on, and we're forced to move in a forward motion. The first few weeks my loss seemed to have mattered. Now it just fades into the past.

What people don't seem to understand is that I didn't just lose my pregnancy. My future child died. I lost an entire future for a life I had hopes and dreams for. Would it be a boy or a girl? What name should we choose? Would baby have mommy's eyes or daddy's eyes? So many questions are now left unanswered... So many "What If's"... So many "Why's"...

It helps me tremendously to talk about my pregnancy loss. It did happen and it does matter. I always thought an early pregnancy loss would be easy to handle. I was very wrong. I lost a lifetime with a baby I loved and wanted so much.

May 27, 2017

I woke up this Saturday not sure what to do this weekend. I figured now would be a great time to get back to Hot Yoga! I have missed it a lot. I haven't gone since early December 2016. I grabbed my gear and I was on my way!

I have put on a bit of weight... and it seems to be rising... not going down like I expected it to. Not sure if this is related to the high amounts of stress I've been put through, the lack of sleep and rest, or the fact that there is still hCG in my system.

I haven't been over eating or eating too many unhealthy treats. Sure I've had a few treats but I'm not stuffing my face every night before bed with chocolate and ice cream.

Hot Yoga was a lot harder than I though it would be - and I even went to a beginners class. I've always had issues balancing, but Warrior poses were even difficult for me to do. I ended up breaking down and crying silently during Savasana at the end of class.

I didn't realize just how much strength I have lost over the past 5 months - both physically and mentally. I am back to square one. I now have to build myself back up. My body has been through so much. I have to remind myself to be kind and gentle to myself. My body has experienced a huge trauma, and is working hard to get back on track.

May 19, 2017

Over Mother's Day weekend I was feeling really sad and confused. I decided to buy two beautiful charms to create this beautiful necklace. The 'Watch Over You Charm' and 'November Birthstone Charm' is perfect combination to remember my baby who was due November 1, 2017. The Citrine stone is said to bring good luck to its wearer. I have always loved Stella and Dot jewellery so it was an easy choice to make.

My necklace arrived on May 19th. I now wear my necklace every day. It brings me comfort and it's close to my heart. When I'm feeling sad I can play with the charms. I got a Rose Gold chain to wear with it now as well. Rose Gold is my favorite!

Also in the evening, I got my hair done. I had booked it 2 weeks ago because I was feeling down. Plus, I was overdue for a hair cut. I have brown hair so my hair dresser did a subtle brown to red ombre. I love it and I feel pretty again. It was the beauty boost I desperately needed. My mood and overall happiness greatly improved.

May 17, 2017

I had follow up blood work this morning. I went home again and my husband brought me to my appointment with a Bereavement Councillor at the Early Loss Clinic. It was an early morning for me. I don't like mornings. I knew today would be hard, but I didn't expect it to be THIS hard.

 

I cried the whole hour I was talking with Patti. First I had to tell her the story of my pregnancy and my miscarriage. The whole time I couldn't bring myself to say the word 'baby' while talking. She mentioned this to me right after I finished talking. I know it was a baby. It was my baby. It was not easy to admit to myself that I lost my baby.

Throughout the session she gave me a lot of information:

• Miscarriage is a real loss. Not only do you lose your pregnancy and baby, you also lose your hopes and dreams for the future.
• I am a mother even though my belly and arms are empty. 
• Holidays will be hard.
• Due date will be harder. It's something I am dreading.
• Feeling betrayed by your body is normal. My body isn't working the way I expected. Now I have to wait for my body to heal until we can try again. I am stuck in limbo. It's a confusing place to be.
• Grief bursts are uncontrollable. Allow yourself to experience them without judgement in a safe space.
• Drink lots of water!
• Get a lot of rest. Grieve throughout the day. If you bottle it all up during the day it will come out at night when you are trying to fall asleep when you're body/mind is in resting mode.
• Journalism (or in my case blogging) will help get thoughts out of your head.

At the end of our session she gave me a list of support groups in my area. She also mentioned they were having a Memorial Service on Sunday, May 28th. It's open to anyone who has experienced the loss of a baby or child. I wasn't ready to go to an event like this - maybe next year. Their theme this year was teddy bears. This explained the many teddy bears she had throughout her office. She let me choose one to take home with me if I wished. I thought one bear was the cutest, he spoke to me and he has a cute scarf. The bears are donated by other parents in memory of their lost child, and to help people like me who are just starting to grieve their lost child. The bear came with a card and a poem.

How very softly

You tiptoed into my world.

Almost silently;

Only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint

your footprints have left

on our hearts.

We offer you this teddy bear

from our hearts where our little

one lives forever.

In Memory Of

Hunter

Hunter. I really like the name. He's my cute cuddle buddy now. I have cuddled with him every night since I got him. I bring him with me to the computer too. He makes me feel not alone.