April 19, 2017

The day of my first ultrasound and I was so excited. I finally get to see my baby!

I saw the baby on the screen on the bottom left of my uterus (a boy perhaps?). It looked so tiny in a giant home. The sonogram tech went to look at the scans with the doctor on the bigger screen. The Tech didn't say much to me but they did tell me that they don't disclose information until they study the scans. I haven't had any symptoms indicating anything was wrong. I should have known better but I've never done this before. How can you know if you've never had an ultrasound before? I don't know what's standard practice. I started feeling a little nervous waiting in the room all by myself.

They brought my husband in the room and then the doctor came in. He told us the awful news that our baby had no heartbeat. I was devastated and started crying. My husband is more of a logical thinker so he was more prepared for something like this than I was. He was nervous for the ultrasound. I'm an optimist! I was supposed to be 12 weeks and had no obvious signs anything was even wrong.

We were told the baby only made it to
8 weeks, 3 days

(19 mm)
which is the size of a

raspberry

The day that forever changed me.

The doctor told us "these things happen" and "there's nothing we could have done differently to change the outcome". 25% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage (1 in 4). I'm not clueless. I always knew there was that chance something could go wrong. I never expected to find out this way.

Four weeks I was carrying around a baby who's heart had stopped beating. The idea that my body had no clue something was wrong was infuriating. Couldn't my body tell? How did I not start spotting? Why did my belly keep growing? I had noticed a bit more energy coming back and my chest wasn't as sore but those symptoms can be considered normal. The baby develops and becomes less dependent on your body and starts relying on its new home. I was still experiencing many pregnancy symptoms. I was repulsed by meat, having vivid dreams/insomnia even though I was still really tired, my pants were getting tighter even though I hadn't put on any weight, and I was very sensitive to smells. Apparently this is what is called a Missed Miscarriage. No warning signs but the pregnancy isn't viable.

It breaks my heart I never got to hear my baby's heartbeat. I didn't get a dating ultrasound since I knew my LMP (last menstrual period). We left and went home feeling numb and devastated. Calling our families and telling them what happened was so difficult. Telling the few friends we had told wasn't any easier. My future quickly became very different.

Ironically I started spotting a mere 2 hours after we left the appointment. I was terrified and scared for what was about to happen.