Brave Wings

Brave Wings by Jessica Galbreth

Another piece by artist Jessica Galbreth a.k.a. "The Vintage Angel." I've been following her art for so many years now I've lost count. She has a beautiful taste, and I love anything to do with fairy's. The peacock feathered wings are a unique touch to this piece.

November 1, 2017

Today was my due date.

I feel oddly calm and emotionally strong. It makes me feel happy but sad at the same time. I feel like I should be devastated and an emotional wreck. It's been 28 weeks since I lost my baby. I have had my share of highs and lows. Now, I have accepted that I did nothing wrong. There's nothing I could have done to change this terrible outcome. I have taken better care of my health.

I took the day off work. I had a nice relaxing day. It was a much needed day to myself. I'm glad I didn't have to worry about working. Plus we got a bad snow storm so I'm happy I didn't have to leave my house.

I lit my White Peach candle. Its the same one I had on October 15. It's a sweet familiar smell. I have my beautiful raspberry tattoo on my left arm. I carry my baby with me where ever I go. In my heart and my heart is on my sleeve.

I am 1 in 4.

I am strong.

I am brave.

I have survived the imaginable.

I will never forget you.

I miss you.

Always.

Love Mom.

Daughty - Gone Too Soon

 

Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.

Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Would you have been president
Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother?
One thing is evident,
Would've given all I had,
Would've loved you like no other.

Who would you be,
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Not a day goes by,
Oh
I'm always asking why.

 

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a beautiful light we never knew,
Gone too soon,
You were gone too soon
Yeah.

 

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you. 

 

Writer(s): Christopher A. Daughtry, Michael James Ryan Busbee

Plumb - I Want You Here

A song about a mother's loss of her 28 day old newborn son.

An ache
So deep
That I
Can hardly breathe
This pain
Can't be imagined
Will it ever heal?
Ooh... ooh...

Your hand
So small
Held a strand of my hair
So strong
All I could do
Was keep believing
Was that enough?

Is anyone there?

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen,
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here
Ooh... ooh...

I waited so long
For you to come
Then you were here
And now you're gone
I was not prepared
For you to leave me
Oh this is misery

Are you still there?

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen,
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here

God help me,
God help me,
God help me
Breathe

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen,
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here
I want you here
I want you here
Ooh... Ooh...

An ache
So deep
That I
Can hardly breathe

Writer(s): Tiffany Lee, Matt Bronleewe

Articles by Melissa Rauch

My husband and I have been watching 'The Big Bang Theory' since the start of the series. I was surprised when I saw the season premiere of Season 11 (spoiler alert!) that Bernadette (played by Melissa Raunch) was pregnant again! I wasn't expecting this plot twist so I had a feeling Melissa was pregnant in real life so her pregnancy was written into the show. After some internet research it turns out I was right.

I found an article at Glamour Magazine written by Melissa on July 11, 2017. She's currently expecting a child and is due in the fall of 2017. The article is called: "Actress Melissa Rauch Announces Her Pregnancy and Reflects on the Heartache of Miscarriage." It's a beautifully written article which really shows her personality. I wish I had found it sooner. I have read it through a few times. It really captures the essence of her heartache of her miscarriage and subsequent pregnancy.

Melissa Raunch

On October 16, 2017 she wrote an amazing follow up article with a video she created. The article is called: "Melissa Rauch on Why She and Her Celebrity Friends Created This Powerful Pregnancy Loss PSA." I related to it immensely and it made me feel like I'm not alone. This wasn't my fault. Something I have been struggling with lately with my due date coming up on November 1st.

September 29, 2017

Quote by Power of Positivity

I came across a shared article on Facebook called "22 signs you're a highly sensitive person (and that's OK!)." I read it and everything just clicked and my life has made a lot more sense since then. I have always been a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and I just didn't know it. I always felt like something was wrong with me.

I feel every little thing very deeply. I cry when I'm frustrated or stressed out. I cry when I see a loved one crying. I cry when I stub my toe too hard. I cry when I broke a glass Starbucks cup of mine - even though I have 3 other ones that are exactly the same. I cry over anything when I feel any strong emotion. You can only imagine how many tears I have cried since I lost my baby.

This past week has been especially hard. I should be entering my last month of my pregnancy. It should have been my last week of work before I started my maternity leave. I should have had the whole month of October off work and waiting the arrival of our baby. I was looking forward to having time off work to be with my family.

I'm so angry that was all taken away from me. I haven't cried this frequently since May when the depth of my loss was still very new. It's been a long rough week of sleepless nights.

Simple Plan : Gone Too Soon

 

Hey there now

Where'd you go
You left me here
So unexpected
You changed my life
I hope you know
'Cause now I'm lost
So unprotected
In the blink of an eye
I never got to say goodbye

Like a shooting star

Flying across the room
So fast so far
You were gone too soon
You're a part of me
And I'll never be the same here without you
You were gone too soon

You were always there

Like a shining light
On my darkest days
You were there to guide me
Oh I miss you now
I wish you could see
Just how much your memory
Will always mean to me
In the blink of an eye
I never got to say goodbye

Like a shooting star

Flying across the room
So fast so far
You were gone too soon
You're a part of me
And I'll never be the same here without you
You were gone too soon

Shine on

Shine on
On to a better place

Shine on

Shine on
We'll never be the same

Shine on

Shine on

Like a shooting star

Flying across the room
So fast so far
You were gone too soon
You're a part of me
And I'll never be the same here without you
You were gone too soon

You were gone too soon

(Shine on, shine on)
You were gone too soon
(Shine on, shine on)
You were gone too soon

Song By: Simple Plan

Songwriters: Charles-Andre Comeau / Emanuel Kiriakou / Pierre Bouvier

Gone Too Soon Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

Hope Whispers

Hope Whispers by Jessica Galbreth

This is called "Hope Whispers" by Jessica Galbreth. I find this quote very inspiring, and the artwork itself is beautiful. I have found I'm drawn to butterflies since my loss. There's just something beautiful about butterflies.

August 22, 2017

HISTORY: I started getting very aggressive hive outbreaks during the summer of 2006. After a few weeks of being prescribed Prednisone for short lengths of time for relief we were getting nowhere. I was finally referred to see a Dermatologist. He diagnosed me with Chronic Hives. I was sent for allergy testing in September 2008. I showed being allergic to most types of grass and trees (seasonal allergies) and some animals. I was tested for the more common food allergies which I didn't show a reaction to at all. I was told to take anti-histamines day and night to relieve my symptoms. Finding out the cause of the hives would be difficult to narrow down.

After the miscarriage and suffering for 10 years with Chronic Hives I decided to find a family doctor. I didn't currently have one and it was hard finding a female doctor who was accepting new patients. I always knew something was wrong with me but to pin point exactly what that was is not an easy task. I finally found a new doctor named Sandra. She decided to send me for blood tests to test against various auto-immune diseases that could be triggering the hives. My current allergies in combination with an unknown underlying issue could also be causing the hives to appear.

I went in for the blood test screening on the morning of July 5. I had done a lot of blood tests for my HCG levels so I was getting used to doing blood tests. (I have an extreme phobia of needles.) They had 10 vials to take. I instantly started to panic but told myself "You can do this!" They set me up in a chair and got me ready. I got through the first 2 vials alright... breathing in and out slow but steady... but then I started to feel very light headed. By vial 4 I was almost to the point of fainting slumped over and I could hardly move. Everything was a blur. They asked me if I was anemic and I told them I didn't know. They stopped taking vials, patched me up, got me ice for the back of my neck and a juice box. I felt awful. I thought my phobia of needles that always made my body over react. Once I felt well enough they rolled over a computer chair so they could take me to one of the beds to lay down. I rested for 10 minutes. The nurse came in and got the last 6 vials with no problems. Laying down really seemed to help!

I went to get my test results on July 11. Sandra said I had elevated levels of tTG anti-body levels. They were at 76.2. Normal range is less than 7. Having high levels of this antibody is generally linked to Celiac Disease.

She sent me for follow up blood tests on July 18 to test my tTG levels again and to also check on my Iron levels. I got my results on July 27. My tTG levels had raised to 90 (I ate lots of bread and bagels!) and Iron was only at 15 (should be 50+). No wonder I had almost passed out so quickly. I was anemic! She told me to take Palafer (Iron Therapy pills) to help get my levels up. She had already put in a request to a Hospital to get a biopsy done to officially diagnose the Celiac.

On August 22 was the day I finally was scheduled for the Upper Endoscopy (Gastroscopy). It was a LONG wait as the hospital was understaffed and behind schedule. I got checked in and they set me up in a bed. Again, I freaked out when they had to put the IV in. I could feel it in me the whole time I was laying there waiting. The doctor came to chat with me about my symptoms. He was skeptical that I had Celiac since I didn't have the digestion symptoms usually associated with Celiac. He told me we're about to find out and that he will give me results after the procedure.

Immediately before the procedure was very overwhelming. You're hooked up to a blood pressure reader on your left arm, your IV is in already, they put a brace in your mouth to keep it open for the camera (and so you don't bite down on your teeth). Then they told me to roll onto my left side which hurt since my arm was puffed up from the blood pressure around my arm. Thankfully they knocked me out after that. I remember waking up and I was back in my little room. A nurse came to take out my IV (yay!) and the doctor came shortly after that to discuss. He did find Celiac damage and samples were taken and sent to get biopsied. He gave me the go ahead to start on a gluten-free diet.

I FINALLY HAVE AN ANSWER! No one in my family has been diagnosed with Celiac Disease before. It can have very minimal signs if you don't have the obvious digestive problems. My Oma did have gallbladder surgery a few years ago and she had started on a gluten-free diet afterwards. They weren't able to test her for Celiac since she had already started on the diet. So it's possible she has it too.

THE HARDEST PART: I'll never know why my baby's heart stopped beating. Was it chromosome abnormalities? Was it due to my undiagnosed Celiac Disease? Did my baby not get enough nutrients from me to grow? The hardest part is I will never know WHY. Having undiagnosed Celiac Disease definitely put me at a higher risk of miscarriage. Knowing all this now breaks my heart. I have been beating myself up for not taking better care of my health. I feel like my miscarriage was preventable and my fault. It's a horrible awful feeling. I'm trying really hard not to think like that. I'll never know WHY I lost my baby. That really hurts my heart!

At least I have a few answers regarding my health. Doing my best to eat gluten-free so I can get my Doctor's clearance to start trying again. All this waiting is tough but I want to be as healthy as I can be for my next pregnancy.

July 30, 2017

Today my support group was having a picnic in the park with a balloon release at the end. It was a gorgeous weather day. Sunny with a light breeze so it wasn't too hot out. It was amazing being outside. I played with my new friend's 2-year-old daughter - who is so adorable. We had some great conversations with yummy food and snacks.

Near the end of the event everyone was able to pick out their balloon(s). You could pick white, pink or blue. I chose a blue balloon as I know in my hear that my baby was a boy. It was sad to see how many balloons some family's had to hold. My friend had 2 - a white and a pink. So many lost babies and children. So much loss and a lifetime of heartbreak.

 Once it was time to release our balloons Lori-Ann made a speech.

With these balloons we remember

our infant loved ones who have died.
Death has forced us to let go

of the children we would hold.
As we let go of our balloons

we send forth a message to the community.
The message is:
Our babies were wanted, were real, are loved,

are grieved and remembered.
To one another the message is:
You are not alone.
With support we survive and we grow.
To our beloved children we have spoken of today
The message is:
We remember you, we miss you,

and most of all we love you.

Then the balloons were released. It took me a few seconds to let go of my blue balloon. I didn't want to let go. I cried... I had to let go of my balloon to join the other angel balloons in the sky.

July 17, 2017

Patti the Bereavement Councillor at the Early Loss Clinic I had visited gave me a list of a few support groups in my area to consider if I felt I needed extra support. I went to my first meeting on Monday, July 17, 2017. It was a specific meeting for Miscarriage Losses. I know I am not ready to be around any pregnant ladies yet.

There were many wonderful women there - especially Lori-Ann the founder of the Angel Whispers. We went around and had our introductions. There were two members who had been there before, and two new people - including me. It was so hard hearing everyone's stories. Too many lost wanted babies and so much heart ache. (I won't go into details as their stories aren't mine to tell.)

I was the last person to share. I immediately broke down into tears. The anticipation of it being my turn to share got to be too much, and there were so many emotions in me by that time. After a moment I was able to get through the details of my story. It felt freeing to share my stories with others who knew exactly how I was feeling and being heard about my grief I felt.

The meetings meet once a month and I am already so thankful for them. They do bring out a lot of emotions but I feel that those emotions need to come out. This has been by far the hardest experience I've ever had to go through. I definitely need the support!

It Matters

It's been 12 weeks since we were in that tiny room and told those three words no expecting parents want to hear: There's no heartbeat. I have never cried so many tears, and a part of me will be forever broken.

It's crazy how fast life moves on. I now understand why a miscarriage can be such an isolating and lonely experience. A lot of the support I had from family and friends who knew has dwindled away. There's no pause button on life. Life just carries on, and we're forced to move in a forward motion. The first few weeks my loss seemed to have mattered. Now it just fades into the past.

What people don't seem to understand is that I didn't just lose my pregnancy. My future child died. I lost an entire future for a life I had hopes and dreams for. Would it be a boy or a girl? What name should we choose? Would baby have mommy's eyes or daddy's eyes? So many questions are now left unanswered... So many "What If's"... So many "Why's"...

It helps me tremendously to talk about my pregnancy loss. It did happen and it does matter. I always thought an early pregnancy loss would be easy to handle. I was very wrong. I lost a lifetime with a baby I loved and wanted so much.

Article by Lindsay Bell

 

This article was shared to me by the support group I just started attending. I found it very truthful and I related to it immensely. I've listed the 8 reasons below or click the photo above to read the full article.

1.    It’s not “just a miscarriage.” It’s the loss of a baby.
2.    It’s not “just a miscarriage.” It’s the loss of someone’s dreams for her child.
3.    It’s not “just a miscarriage.” Instead, it’s the source of intense guilt.
4.    It’s not “just a miscarriage.” It’s also a lot of physical pain.
5.    It’s not “just a miscarriage.” It’s also a hormonal roller coaster.
6.    It’s not “just a miscarriage.” It’s also hard on a marriage.
7.    It’s not “just a miscarriage.” It might also be someone’s unanswered prayer.
8.    It’s not “just a miscarriage.” It’s also something that has the potential to hurt over and over again.

New Beginnings

New Beginnings by Amy Brown

This print is called "New Beginnings" by my favorite fairy artist Amy Brown. I had posted it on my Facebook wall shortly after my loss (April 27, 2017). My friend saw it and knew it would make a great birthday gift for me. I was so surprised she thought of getting this for me. She gave it to me when we hung out on together on Mother's Day (May 14, 2017) so it was extra special. It meant a lot to me. She's been a huge support for me when I ever need it. She put in a beautiful silver frame so I can look at it when I need the extra strength to get me through the day.

June 21, 2017

Today is our first wedding anniversary.

I'm thankful to have such a loving and supportive husband. He's always there to support me when I'm having an emotional day or just need to vent. If he's not physically with me he's calling or texting me words of support and love. He's helping me as much as he can through this process of healing physically and mentally.

Just like a fairy tale we have each other and therefore we have our happily ever after. Plus I know we'll get our rainbow baby one day.

May 27, 2017

I woke up this Saturday not sure what to do this weekend. I figured now would be a great time to get back to Hot Yoga! I have missed it a lot. I haven't gone since early December 2016. I grabbed my gear and I was on my way!

I have put on a bit of weight... and it seems to be rising... not going down like I expected it to. Not sure if this is related to the high amounts of stress I've been put through, the lack of sleep and rest, or the fact that there is still hCG in my system.

I haven't been over eating or eating too many unhealthy treats. Sure I've had a few treats but I'm not stuffing my face every night before bed with chocolate and ice cream.

Hot Yoga was a lot harder than I though it would be - and I even went to a beginners class. I've always had issues balancing, but Warrior poses were even difficult for me to do. I ended up breaking down and crying silently during Savasana at the end of class.

I didn't realize just how much strength I have lost over the past 5 months - both physically and mentally. I am back to square one. I now have to build myself back up. My body has been through so much. I have to remind myself to be kind and gentle to myself. My body has experienced a huge trauma, and is working hard to get back on track.

May 19, 2017

Over Mother's Day weekend I was feeling really sad and confused. I decided to buy two beautiful charms to create this beautiful necklace. The 'Watch Over You Charm' and 'November Birthstone Charm' is perfect combination to remember my baby who was due November 1, 2017. The Citrine stone is said to bring good luck to its wearer. I have always loved Stella and Dot jewellery so it was an easy choice to make.

My necklace arrived on May 19th. I now wear my necklace every day. It brings me comfort and it's close to my heart. When I'm feeling sad I can play with the charms. I got a Rose Gold chain to wear with it now as well. Rose Gold is my favorite!

Also in the evening, I got my hair done. I had booked it 2 weeks ago because I was feeling down. Plus, I was overdue for a hair cut. I have brown hair so my hair dresser did a subtle brown to red ombre. I love it and I feel pretty again. It was the beauty boost I desperately needed. My mood and overall happiness greatly improved.

Hillary Scott & The Scott Family : Thy Will

“Thy Will,” called an “open letter to God’’ by Hillary,
was written while she was in a dark place,
after her second pregnancy ended in miscarriage in fall 2015.
“I questioned why but never lost my faith,” she tells Billboard.
“The four words that rang constantly, ‘thy will be done.’”

Quote from Billboard

I’m so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
I know You hear me
I know You see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord

Song By: Hillary Scott & The Scott Family
Writers: Hillary Scott, Bernie Herms, Emily Lynn Weisband 

May 17, 2017

I had follow up blood work this morning. I went home again and my husband brought me to my appointment with a Bereavement Councillor at the Early Loss Clinic. It was an early morning for me. I don't like mornings. I knew today would be hard, but I didn't expect it to be THIS hard.

 

I cried the whole hour I was talking with Patti. First I had to tell her the story of my pregnancy and my miscarriage. The whole time I couldn't bring myself to say the word 'baby' while talking. She mentioned this to me right after I finished talking. I know it was a baby. It was my baby. It was not easy to admit to myself that I lost my baby.

Throughout the session she gave me a lot of information:

• Miscarriage is a real loss. Not only do you lose your pregnancy and baby, you also lose your hopes and dreams for the future.
• I am a mother even though my belly and arms are empty. 
• Holidays will be hard.
• Due date will be harder. It's something I am dreading.
• Feeling betrayed by your body is normal. My body isn't working the way I expected. Now I have to wait for my body to heal until we can try again. I am stuck in limbo. It's a confusing place to be.
• Grief bursts are uncontrollable. Allow yourself to experience them without judgement in a safe space.
• Drink lots of water!
• Get a lot of rest. Grieve throughout the day. If you bottle it all up during the day it will come out at night when you are trying to fall asleep when you're body/mind is in resting mode.
• Journalism (or in my case blogging) will help get thoughts out of your head.

At the end of our session she gave me a list of support groups in my area. She also mentioned they were having a Memorial Service on Sunday, May 28th. It's open to anyone who has experienced the loss of a baby or child. I wasn't ready to go to an event like this - maybe next year. Their theme this year was teddy bears. This explained the many teddy bears she had throughout her office. She let me choose one to take home with me if I wished. I thought one bear was the cutest, he spoke to me and he has a cute scarf. The bears are donated by other parents in memory of their lost child, and to help people like me who are just starting to grieve their lost child. The bear came with a card and a poem.

How very softly

You tiptoed into my world.

Almost silently;

Only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint

your footprints have left

on our hearts.

We offer you this teddy bear

from our hearts where our little

one lives forever.

In Memory Of

Hunter

Hunter. I really like the name. He's my cute cuddle buddy now. I have cuddled with him every night since I got him. I bring him with me to the computer too. He makes me feel not alone.

Article by Sasha Kerr

Losing a Baby: Things I’ve Learned About Miscarriage

This article written on December 16, 2014 by Sasha Kerr highlights 14 points about what she has learned about miscarriages. She has had 4 miscarriages before having her 2 children. Her blog is based out of London, England. The article speaks about the NHS (National Health Service) and the EPU (Early Pregnancy Units) in London.

I found the article to be informative and helpful for anyone looking on how to support someone through a miscarriage - whether it be yourself or a close family member or friend.

May 14, 2017 - Mother's Day

My first Mother Day was supposed to be a great day. Instead I didn't know if I was a Mother. Until I read this:

This poem really helped me. I am a Mom this Mother's Day. I loved my little one its whole life. That's what makes me a Mom.

I had a rough start to my day. I was upset and emotional. Trying hard not focus on the day itself. I was going to spend the day with a dear friend who lost her Mom to cancer in January. It was a rough day for both of us.

Once I got to my friends house I wanted to fill her in since I haven't seen her since the miscarriage. I cried and told her everything. She was very supportive. She's a Mom to a beautiful 2 year old so she can imagine the heartache I was going through. Once we left the house it was happy time!

We went for lunch at Joey Restaurant. I got the BBQ Salmon Rice Bowl (sweet sesame soy sauce, snap peas, edamame, mushrooms, daikon). I had a yummy alcoholic drink - the Spa Cosmo Martini - as well. Both were delicious!!! Life gets so busy it's always a delight to see a friend. It was nice to sit down and catch up on other aspects of our lives. 

After lunch we went and saw the movie "Snatched" with Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn. I didn't know what to expect. I don't watch movie trailers. There are too many spoilers and they always give away the funniest scenes. It was a really funny movie. About what I expected from an Amy Schumer movie! Lots of laughs and a great movie about a mother and daughter relationship to watch on Mother's Day. After the movie Cineplex gave out a flower with a Happy Mother's Day card. It's was wonderful receiving a flower for Mother's Day. I added it to my growing vase of flowers.

Once I got home, I called my Mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. It was nice to talk to my mom. I'm definitely grateful for that considering how many people - like my friend - who no longer have their Mother on Mother's Day.

Overall it turned out to be a pretty good First Mother's Day.

The video below was made by TODAY Parents for Bereaved Mother's on Mother's Day.

The next video is from CarlyMarie Project Heal for International Bereavement Mother's Day which is the first Sunday of May (May 7, 2017). It speaks volumes. I urge you to watch it too.

Always Near

TiffsArt - Always Near

I found this artwork during my search for quotes and artwork related to miscarriage. I fell in love with it instantly. It's simple yet powerful. The artist located in the United Kingdom. Her artwork started as a side project and quickly has grown. She makes custom orders as well, which makes her artwork even more special.

May 9, 2017 - My Birthday

My birthday was going to be the day I announced my happy news to my family and friends. I had already though of ideas of cute cupcakes. Having a mommy cupcake, a daddy cupcake and a 'mini' baby cupcake. I would have been almost 15 weeks at this point (shy of 1 day).

I had a rough night the day before my birthday. I was so very sad and I didn't feel like celebrating my birthday. Many tears were shed. I fell asleep feeling sad, overwhelmed, heartbroken, numb and empty. This was supposed to be my first birthday being pregnant.

I didn't feel any better in the morning. I took my sweet time going into work. When I got there my co-workers wished me happy birthday. I said a "thanks" in a I'm-trying-really-hard-to-be-happy mood. I got to my desk and started checking my e-mails. I started crying again. I had received a few text messages and many Happy Birthday wishes on Facebook. I continued to read these throughout the day to bring some joy into my day.

Once I calmed down I got some work done. I was on the phone with a client for a few minutes. After my phone call I went to go into the printer room and all my co-workers were standing there with balloons and mini-cupcakes. It was a sweet gesture to surprise me and support me. They knew I was having a hard day. The mini-cupcakes were delicious and the balloons were my favorite color.

After work my husband and and I wanted to do something special. Something we haven't done. I booked us a reservation at a fondue place we've been wanting to go to together for a while. I had been there once for my 30th birthday (3 years ago) and haven't had an opportunity to go back since.

We went for 7:00 pm to miss the supper rush and traffic. It was half-priced bottle of wine night since it was a Tuesday. I picked out a delicious bottle of Canadian white wine. We ordered our 4-course meal and the fun began.

The cheese fondue course was first, served with bread, apple and veggies. Then we had caesar salad. We had a bit of time between each course to chat and enjoy each other's company. It had been a while since we had a nice dinner out. For the main course we ordered lobster, shrimp, filet mignon, sausage, and mushrooms which came with veggies. Some meats were seasoned cajun style! We got a variety of dips to use as well. It was fun cooking the meats and veggies. You get 3 skewers to use so you can cook a lot at the same time. The mushrooms stuffed with cream sauce was soooo yummy!

My husband had one glass of wine but the rest was all mine! I did miss having wine. It still felt weird to be drinking again. He had two beers but drank early on so he'd still be safe to drive home.

 
Then the dessert came and it was amazing. They had oreo and graham covered marshmallows, bananas, strawberry, cheesecake and brownies. Dip it all in chocolate! So amazing we had 2 servings of it.

3 hours later we were finally done our dinner and I finished my bottle of wine. Overall I had a pretty great birthday, even though it wasn't the one I had imagined having this year.

Cards & Flowers

The week after my miscarriage I was received flowers and cards. My sister had already brought me flowers the day of my miscarriage so it was nice to add to the bouquet. I got a bouquet of flowers from the office next door. I got a beautiful card from one of my clients at work telling me they were thinking of me.

It was a wonderful gesture and it made me feel loved. It was hard going back to work so soon afterwards but I work in a small office. It's not easy to take time off. Plus it was good to have something else to focus on. My boss and co-workers have been very supportive and understanding during this difficult time.

hCG Levels

Human chorionic gonadotropin, or hCG, is a hormone made by the placenta to help support the growth of the fetus during pregnancy. During normal pregnancy, hCG levels generally double about every 48 to 72 hours and can be detected by a blood test about 3 weeks from the last menstrual period.

A miscarriage at 8 to 10 weeks, at the highest concentration of hCG, will generally take the longest to return to normal compared to miscarriage at other times.

Miscarried 12w1d. Baby was 8w3d. Measurements in mIU/ml.

My body is taking a slow time to get this hCG hormone out. I do have a generally slower metabolism but this is the longest process. It's so frustrating. I just want to get back on track. I've never wanted my period so badly before.

April 21 : 941
April 23 : 293
April 25 : 159
May 03 : 53
May 17 : 30
May 31 : 17
June 14 : 7
June 21 : 7
June 28 : >5

May 21-23 : On the evening of the 21st to mid-day the 23rd I started to experience more bleeding and clotting (Miscarriage 2.0?). It was very foul smelling and darker in color. I think this was the final shed of everything. I hope my body is rebuilding a new healthy home for Baby 2.0. 

June 21 :  Was hoping today would be my last blood test. I started getting some light bleeding about an hour after my blood work. I was so happy about this thinking my levels would finally be at 0. I got my results back in the evening via phone call. There is NO CHANGE! I'm still at 7. I'm beyond frustrated at my body right now. From what I understand the bleeding I am experiencing is a period so that's the good news.

June 28 : Finally got to less than 5! After 10 long emotional weeks I'm finally considered not pregnant. Now to get into a healthier living mind set of smart eating decisions, hot yoga and lots and LOTS of walks with my dog. Hoping to lose the pregnancy/stress weight I have gained over the past few months. I thought I would feel much better than I do having the hCG out of my system. Although, I like to think the quote below is a fact. My baby will ALWAYS be with me - literally!

Italicized quoted from LiveStrong.com

Mother Heart

It has been difficult for my husband (and others) to relate to how I'm feeling. He understands that the miscarriage is a lot harder for me since I'm the one carrying the baby. Our baby was a piece of me for 12 weeks. It's been very difficult knowing I'm not pregnant anymore. All of a sudden it's taken away, all we had been planning for, been excited for - gone in an instant.

It hurts my husband to see me in so much agony and emotional pain. There's nothing he can do but hold me while I cry.

This whole experience has brought me and my husband closer. We appreciate each other more and are trying not to "sweat the small stuff" as much. We have spent a lot more time together. It's given us a lot of perspective on life.

A loss is a loss.

A loss of what the future could have been.

A loss of all the plans we had made.

A loss of part of me.

April 21, 2017

My midwife told me to go start my first series of blood work as soon as I could. The first 3 need to be 48 hours apart. I got up around 7:00 am and left to go to the clinic. The website said they were open at 7:00 am so I imagined it wouldn't be very busy yet. I put Polysporin beside my eyes as they were dried out and sore from all the tears from the past 2 days.

I was wrong when I got there at 7:30 am. They opened at 6:00 am and now it was about an hour wait. The wait was excruciating. I hate needles too. I listen to my audio book, browse Facebook and cry trying my hardest to keep it together. I was so happy when it was finally my turn. I just wanted to get out of there and go pick up my husband at the hospital. I was done at 9:15 am.

I gas up the car, get coffee and I'm on my way. Another 45 minute drive out of town and more time with my audio book.

I was so happy when I arrived at the hospital. I walked as fast as I could to his room. It was so hard being apart for the past 24 hours. We had many embraces and he was discharged. We went to get his prescription filled at a nearby Safeway and had a Starbucks coffee while we waited. We went home and spent the day together in bed resting with our dog Casey. It was wonderful to be all together again.

My mid-wife calls around 7:30 pm with not-so-great news. My blood type is A-. She tells me I have to go to the hospital to get the WinRho (aka RhoGAM) shot.

If you are Rh-negative and you were carrying an Rh-positive fetus, there is a small chance that you have been exposed to Rh-positive blood cells from the fetal tissue during the miscarriage. A shot of RhoGAM prevents your body from producing antibodies to Rh-positive blood that could harm a fetus during a future pregnancy.

Source

We get to the hospital that has the lowest wait time according to the AHS app. When we get there I tell them what's happened and what I need to get done. They tell me they have to take my blood - again - and get it tested - again - as a precaution since it's not on their records. They said it should only take about 30 minutes. Another needle and we wait... It starts raining... We pay for parking every 30 minutes thinking it won't take long. (What a pain in the ass!) My husband is sore and tired from his surgery. I'm mentally and physically exhausted as well. 3 days and it has felt like 2 weeks has gone by.

A lady that stood up in the waiting room with a second-trimester baby bump. I immediately start crying and it takes me a while to calm down again. Another family comes in with their little baby stretcher with the arm holes on the sides. I sure hope that baby was okay. It seemed like he was in good hands. Nobody looked panicked or was crying. Everyone has their own baby stories. This experience really opened my eyes to what can happen and how everyone's journey to parenthood is different.

Finally just before midnight it's my turn (3 hours later). I mentally freak out at yet another needle. My husband holds my hand and reminds me to breathe. I get my shot and we can go home. They tell me to wait around for 15 minutes to make sure I have no adverse reactions. I know my body (at least when it comes to my allergies). It will take me much longer than 15 minutes to react.

Sure enough around 4:00 am in the morning I wake up coughing because my chest is tight and I can only take small breaths. I've experienced this before and know I will be okay. I am so tired and I don't care. I just fall back asleep. (I woke up in the morning feeling much better).

SIDE NOTE: 
I have suffered from chronic hives for over 10 years. Pretty certain I have a condition called Chronic Idiopathic Ucartia (CIU) although I haven't had this confirmed by a doctor. My sister sent me an article. I experience the same symptoms as the woman in the article. Read it here: MSN Article

April 20, 2017

Still numb from the day before, but my husband has a minor surgery scheduled today. I had taken the 20 and 21st off work. I was looking forward to having a 4 day weekend. That all changed yesterday. Unfortunately you can't simply pause your life.

I drove my husband to the hospital which was 45 minutes out of town. I stayed with him until he went into his surgery. He told me it's okay if I left if I wasn't feeling up to staying there. I was starting to feel the cramps set in so I told him I would be going home. He was staying overnight at the hospital for observation so I had to go home at some point anyways. 

Please note the rest of this story gets very detailed about my miscarriage. 

The drive home was calming. I listened to an audio book along the way to help keep my mind occupied so I didn't break down crying driving down the highway. The cramps felt like a normal period cramping. Nothing too severe but a dull ache in my belly. It was an uncomfortable drive home, but I didn't want to stop. I just wanted to get home.

I finally got home at noon. As I stepped up out of the car I felt a huge gushing sensation. I could feel blood everywhere. I uncomfortably walked up the stairs and down the hallway to our apartment. I hurried to the bathroom and took off my pants. The pad I was wearing caught some of what came out - but not enough. Thankfully I was wearing black pants.

The next 4 hours would become the longest 4 hours of my life. There was so much blood, intense cramping, lots of clots and tissue coming out. It felt like I was in a murder scene. I couldn't leave the bathroom. I tried using pads but they would fill so fast. It was easier just sitting on the toilet, crying because of the pain and emotions.

My dog Casey (Yorkshire Terrier) would come check in on me but other than her I was alone. I texted my sister, sister-in-law, a friend (who also lost an early term pregnancy), an online friend (who's always there for me) and of course my husband to tell them that I was in the process of having the miscarriage. It helped me feel less alone knowing my family and friends were aware. I also called my midwife and had a brief chat with her.

I started feeling light-headed and I was getting really scared. I was told if you are going through more than 2 pads in an hour you had to go to the hospital. I couldn't tell how much blood was too much. I was crouched down on the floor, experiencing heavy cramps. I looked down and I could see something. I pulled out a 6" piece of tissue from my body. The cramping immediately stopped and the blood flow decreased significantly. I knew the miscarriage was finally over.

I felt exhausted and empty inside. My mother-in-law called me shortly after it ended to check up on me. I told her I was feeling light-headed but that it was over and that I was going to have a shower. She told me to call her afterwards so she knew I made it out okay. It was the saddest shower but it felt good to feel clean and refreshed.

My husband called after he awoke from his surgery. He hated that he wasn't able to be home with me during the miscarriage. Honestly it was probably better he wasn't. It was such a traumatic experience, at least he didn't have to experience it as well. He was pretty dozy and in pain so we said our goodbyes so he could rest.

My sister and best friend came over to spend time with me in the evening so I wouldn't be alone. It meant a lot to my husband too knowing that I wasn't alone on such a traumatic day. It was a welcome distraction and it felt comforting to be able to talk face to face about what had happened the past 2 days. We watched the hockey game and ate Thai food. I don't even remember if I had eaten anything before supper time - not that I have felt hungry either.

After my sister and best friend left I went on the computer and was able to talk to an online friend until I was tired enough to try and get some sleep.

April 19, 2017

The day of my first ultrasound and I was so excited. I finally get to see my baby!

I saw the baby on the screen on the bottom left of my uterus (a boy perhaps?). It looked so tiny in a giant home. The sonogram tech went to look at the scans with the doctor on the bigger screen. The Tech didn't say much to me but they did tell me that they don't disclose information until they study the scans. I haven't had any symptoms indicating anything was wrong. I should have known better but I've never done this before. How can you know if you've never had an ultrasound before? I don't know what's standard practice. I started feeling a little nervous waiting in the room all by myself.

They brought my husband in the room and then the doctor came in. He told us the awful news that our baby had no heartbeat. I was devastated and started crying. My husband is more of a logical thinker so he was more prepared for something like this than I was. He was nervous for the ultrasound. I'm an optimist! I was supposed to be 12 weeks and had no obvious signs anything was even wrong.

We were told the baby only made it to
8 weeks, 3 days

(19 mm)
which is the size of a

raspberry

The day that forever changed me.

The doctor told us "these things happen" and "there's nothing we could have done differently to change the outcome". 25% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage (1 in 4). I'm not clueless. I always knew there was that chance something could go wrong. I never expected to find out this way.

Four weeks I was carrying around a baby who's heart had stopped beating. The idea that my body had no clue something was wrong was infuriating. Couldn't my body tell? How did I not start spotting? Why did my belly keep growing? I had noticed a bit more energy coming back and my chest wasn't as sore but those symptoms can be considered normal. The baby develops and becomes less dependent on your body and starts relying on its new home. I was still experiencing many pregnancy symptoms. I was repulsed by meat, having vivid dreams/insomnia even though I was still really tired, my pants were getting tighter even though I hadn't put on any weight, and I was very sensitive to smells. Apparently this is what is called a Missed Miscarriage. No warning signs but the pregnancy isn't viable.

It breaks my heart I never got to hear my baby's heartbeat. I didn't get a dating ultrasound since I knew my LMP (last menstrual period). We left and went home feeling numb and devastated. Calling our families and telling them what happened was so difficult. Telling the few friends we had told wasn't any easier. My future quickly became very different.

Ironically I started spotting a mere 2 hours after we left the appointment. I was terrified and scared for what was about to happen.

February 25, 2017

It was a regular morning. I slept in and woke up feeling refreshed. I was supposed to start my period today but I decided to take a pregnancy test anyways. I was meeting a friend for lunch and I wanted to know if I could have any alcoholic drinks. I haven't had any wine since the week of Valentine's Day. I only had 3 tests left and I figured I'd be wasting a test. Boy was I wrong... it was a very fast immediate positive.

I ran out to my husband who was on the computer. I poked him and said "Got a sec?" which I don't normally do so he knew something was up. He turned around and I was shaking so much. I showed him the positive test. He was shocked and happy as I was. I had to sit down as I was still very shaky, stunned and happy about the news. After a months of trying and taking tests I was so sad every time I got a negative test. We finally got our positive and had so many hugs and kisses!

I took another test when I got home from my lunch date to make sure it wasn't a false positive. Yup, definitely pregnant. What a great way to start off the weekend!